Permission! Pathetically I’m still waiting for permission. Like playing that old game, Mother May I.
May I please take three giant steps and one umbrella step forward? Heck, I’ll settle for taking 2 baby steps at this stage of the game. If I can just stop being frozen in place, I may have a chance.
Will somebody please give me a swift kick in the ass? Maybe knock my hard head against the wall or any surface that will not succumb to my own sniveling insecurities?
God I hate whiners! The first complete sentence that I drilled into my little guy’s head while wheeling him through the grocery store was: Whining is a character defect. Repeat after me.
There was no way that I’d put up with some cry baby whiner. All high pitched and sing songy. I can’t do it. Hey wait a minute, that whiny, pain in the ass voice, is ringing in my own head. It’s true that the things that irritate you the most…worse than fingernails on the chalkboard…are usually your own deepest shortcomings.
Come on… Just do it! You know, Nike is on to something. I like that slogan and uncoordinated as I may be, a good old fashioned sports pep talk may just be the ticket. I need to channel my inner coach, whistle and megaphone, firmly in hand.
Get off your dimpled butt and do it, express yourself, make yourself happy. Now get down and give me 20 pushups, not girly style, and if you start whining there’s suicide drills in your future!
Yup there is a little whiner stuck inside of me and that little sucker is wreaking havoc. Perhaps the only remedy is a good old fashioned exorcism. Wrestle that demon out of me, once and for all. Head spinning 360°, anoint me with flaming holy water… all the while spewing a mouthful of appropriate obscenities. That’s probably too Hollywood. I should just head to the attic and dust off my old Ouija board and have the spirits from beyond spell out my destiny. I’m pretty sure that their message will echo the demons that are screaming inside my head. All the voices are saying the same thing anyway.
Ahhhh I feel so much better.