I’m sick and tired of picking up women’s magazines and reading the “Kool-Aid” headlines:
· 50 is the new 30!
· Sensational sex after 50!
· Embrace your inner goddess after 50.
Tossing that F word around just makes me break out into yet another f***ing hot flash. While fanning myself off with one of those rags, I caught sight of another pet peeve of mine, and that is the cosmetic companies selling us baby boomers wrinkle cream, using 20-year-old models who don’t have a single worry line on their gorgeous but vapid, unlined faces! I paid dearly for all my laugh lines.
I’m a huge believer in the “Hope Springs Eternal” philosophy but I know that my sagging chin line is not going to magically disappear by slathering on gobs of expensive face potions.
But what’s a girl to do? Maybe gain a few pounds so that the lines fill out and I’ll look younger? My body may take a hit but that’s what Spanx are for.
Speaking about gaining a few winter pounds, I was just cruising through Bloomies picking up my favorite jar of snake oil – I may rant about the disingenuous cosmetic companies but I refuse to go gentle into that night- when a saleswoman excitedly told me about the special 25 percent sale on bathing suits. My mouth dropped open. She mistakenly took my slack jawed horror for joyful disbelief because she gushed on. “Yes, isn’t it wonderful?! We never offer the discount so early in the season. Why not pick out a few bathing suits right now?”
Why not?! Because I would rather chew nails then squeeze this body into a miracle suit that clearly Devine Intervention could not be transform into a beach worthy bod. Plus the trauma of standing in front of a three -way mirror, under fluorescent lights, would send me straight to the nearest happy hour. Somehow, I grabbed hold of my freaked out senses. It may be five o’clock somewhere in the world but it was only lunchtime in New York.
Maybe I could find a lipo section center. Sort of like those blow out places for hair that are popping up. They must have lunch hour specials…. I better look for a groupon…